Grandpa HATES Halloween is another video in the Grandpa series, published October 31, 2015.
Grandpa: You want me to tell you what? [cut] A bedtime story? [cut] Alright but it's gonna have to be a spooky one 'cause it's the Halloween time. [cut, reading a story with a flashlight ominously illuminating his face] And the dead pharmacist told the boy "You got type 2 diabetes!" A-
[the flashlight dies]
Grandpa: Fuck. [cut, smacks the flashlight, cut] Clarita!
Clarita: [goes upstairs] What?!
Grandpa: The goddamned flashlight's broken again, where we keep the spare one?
Clarita: I saw it in the oldest one's room.
Grandpa: Alright. [cut, holding a new flashlight] And the boy never had candy again! [looks down at the flashlight, revealing it's actually a flesh-light.] This one's not working either!
[cut, the door bell rings and Grandpa answers it.]
Trick-or-treaters: Trick or treat!
Grandpa: The fuck did you just call me?
[cut, Grandpa's on the phone]
Grandpa: Yeah I'd like to speak to the pharmacist please.
Guy On Phone: Yeah I can I help you?
Grandpa: [holds up half-empty bottle of bleach] I drank some bleach all the way down to the blue and now I'm starting to feel like Harry Potters.
Guy On Phone: No no no no, you're not supposed to drink bleach.
Grandpa: Well, it tasted like candy to me.
[cut, back at the door]
Grandpa: [to a Trick-or-treater] What are you supposed to be, a disappointment?
[cut, in the kitchen]
Grandpa: [to Timmy] Oh you I am not going no where until you drink yo milk.
[cut, Timmy sneezes a mouthful of milk into Grandpa's face and his hair gets wet]
Grandpa: Oh, you want to see Jesus?!
[cut, in the living room, Timmy is watching Grandpa lumber over to the door as the bell rings constantly]
Grandpa: Now I gotta go scare off those damn Trick-or-treaters...
Trick-or-treaters: Trick or treat!
Grandpa: [scaring the trick-or-treaters away with flash-light] I told you motherfucking kids to leave me the fuck alone! Goddamned flashlight...
[cut, Grandpa is driving]
Grandpa: Every Halloween I have the same goddamned nightmare: a goblin tries to eat out my asshole!
[cut, in store, Grandpa is inspecting a Disney mirror with Timmy]
Grandpa: You seen this app? It shows what'cho gon' look like when you get old and fucked up.
[cut, Grandpa is stuffing the pissed off mirror into the buggy]
Grandpa: [to Timmy] Boy, pull up your god damn pants! The spookiest thing is in this store is that a dick that small is in my gene pool!
[cut, Timmy shakes a bag of candy to get Grandpa's attention.]
Grandpa: Put that candy back, I am not buying you shit.
[Timmy throws bag of candy straight at Grandpa's face.]
Grandpa: Uhh! Fuck me right in the asshole.
[cut, Grandpa is holding the mirror]
Grandpa: I don't want this anymore...[cut, stuffing the mirror into an assortment of jack-o-lantern buckets, causing them to fall over loudly. Grandpa inconspicuously slips away.]
[cuts, Grandpa is inspecting a large wooden totem pole]
Grandpa: Oh this is longer than my dick!
[cut, Grandpa is chasing Timmy through the clothes department]
Grandpa: Get back here you not little asshole!
Timmy: I'M NOT!
[Timmy hides in the clothes, cut, Grandpa is searching for him]
Grandpa: Dammit boy where are you hiding?
[cut, Grandpa finds him with the flesh-light]
Grandpa: There you are! [cut, walking through the store with Timmy] When we get home, I'm gonna give you a spooky ass grounding! OH! A GOBLIN!
[A stupid-looking goblin appears in front of them]
Goblin: I'm going to eat out your asshole!
Grandpa: WHAT THE-
[Brandon Rogers awakes in his bedroom, startled]
[He looks around, confused, before going back to sleep as the credits roll]