Grandpa HATES Halloween is another video in the Grandpa series, published October 31, 2015.


Grandpa: You want me to tell you what? [cut] A bedtime story? [cut] Alright but it's gonna have to be a spooky one 'cause it's the Halloween time. [cut, reading a story with a flashlight ominously illuminating his face] And the dead pharmacist told the boy "You got type 2 diabetes!" A-

[the flashlight dies]

Grandpa: Fuck. [cut, smacks the flashlight, cut] Clarita!

Clarita: [goes upstairs] What?!

Grandpa: The goddamned flashlight's broken again, where we keep the spare one?

Clarita: I saw it in the oldest one's room.

Grandpa: Alright. [cut, holding a new flashlight] And the boy never had candy again! [looks down at the flashlight, revealing it's actually a flesh-light.] This one's not working either!

[cut, the door bell rings and Grandpa answers it.]

Trick-or-treaters: Trick or treat!

Grandpa: The fuck did you just call me?

[cut, Grandpa's on the phone]

Grandpa: Yeah I'd like to speak to the pharmacist please.

Guy On Phone: Yeah I can I help you?

Grandpa: [holds up half-empty bottle of bleach] I drank some bleach all the way down to the blue and now I'm starting to feel like Harry Potters.

Guy On Phone: No no no no, you're not supposed to drink bleach.

Grandpa: Well, it tasted like candy to me.

[cut, back at the door]

Grandpa: [to a Trick-or-treater] What are you supposed to be, a disappointment?

[cut, in the kitchen]

Grandpa: [to Timmy] Oh you I am not going no where until you drink yo milk.

[cut, Timmy sneezes a mouthful of milk into Grandpa's face and his hair gets wet]

Grandpa: Oh, you want to see Jesus?!

[cut, in the living room, Timmy is watching Grandpa lumber over to the door as the bell rings constantly]

Grandpa: Now I gotta go scare off those damn Trick-or-treaters...

Trick-or-treaters: Trick or treat!

Grandpa: [scaring the trick-or-treaters away with flash-light] I told you motherfucking kids to leave me the fuck alone! Goddamned flashlight...

[cut, Grandpa is driving]

Grandpa: Every Halloween I have the same goddamned nightmare: a goblin tries to eat out my asshole!

[cut, in store, Grandpa is inspecting a Disney mirror with Timmy]

Grandpa: You seen this app? It shows what'cho gon' look like when you get old and fucked up.

[cut, Grandpa is stuffing the pissed off mirror into the buggy]

Grandpa: [to Timmy] Boy, pull up your god damn pants! The spookiest thing is in this store is that a dick that small is in my gene pool!

[cut, Timmy shakes a bag of candy to get Grandpa's attention.]

Grandpa: Put that candy back, I am not buying you shit.

[Timmy throws bag of candy straight at Grandpa's face.]

Grandpa: Uhh! Fuck me right in the asshole.

[cut, Grandpa is holding the mirror]

Grandpa: I don't want this anymore...[cut, stuffing the mirror into an assortment of jack-o-lantern buckets, causing them to fall over loudly. Grandpa inconspicuously slips away.]

[cuts, Grandpa is inspecting a large wooden totem pole]

Grandpa: Oh this is longer than my dick!

[cut, Grandpa is chasing Timmy through the clothes department]

Grandpa: Get back here you not little asshole!

Timmy: I'M NOT!

[Timmy hides in the clothes, cut, Grandpa is searching for him]

Grandpa: Dammit boy where are you hiding?

[cut, Grandpa finds him with the flesh-light]

Grandpa: There you are! [cut, walking through the store with Timmy] When we get home, I'm gonna give you a spooky ass grounding! OH! A GOBLIN!

[A stupid-looking goblin appears in front of them]

Goblin: I'm going to eat out your asshole!

Grandpa: WHAT THE-

[Brandon Rogers awakes in his bedroom, startled]

Brandon: -FUCK?!!!!

[He looks around, confused, before going back to sleep as the credits roll]

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